Feast at Asgard

by Nanette Edwards

Asgard. The Gods gather at the feast. Odin looks around and slams his fist on the table. "WHY do all of us always gather here!?!?!? Is it too much to ask that we sometimes gather in, I don't know, the Summerland, or even Heaven? Why here everytime?"
Jesus looks at the AllFather pityingly. "You have the best beer, Odin. You know that. And..." he is distracted as Thor appears at his shoulder with a barrel of water, grinning. "C'mon, you have rivers of mead! Why do you always ask me to make wine?"
"You're good at it, "rumbles the ThunderGod.
Jehovah sits in misery next to Buddha. "Why can't they get it straight? What is so hard about it? I give them simple rules--nope, can't do that. I give them my Son; they twist everything he DID say and listen more to those men who followed him around like puppy dogs. What about "love one another" is hard to
understand?"
Buddha smiles peacefully and reaches for the mead
Satan leans over and hands Jehovah another tankard. "Face it, boss. They just can't imagine actually loving one another. I told you evolution was going to leave them angry and suspicious."
"Shut up. At least your followers are honest about their hatred. Why can't..." He is distracted as Mohammed enters, muttering under his breath. "Oh no, now what?"
The prophet approaches and sits down, sighing deeply. "Bin Laden. Who the HELL is Bin Laden? And why can't he read the damn book and just do what it SAYS, instead of only reading the parts he likes?" He
glances at Jehovah and sighs again. "I am sorry, Allah. I tried, I really did."
Jesus puts his arm aorund Mohammed and pulls him away. "He's really not in the mood. He's so pissed at both of our followers, it isn't worth trying to apologize. I'm just working on making sure he doesn't repeat the flood after all."
Heimdall enters and groans. Morrigan is challenging Thor, using poor Eros as her champion. Well, he isn't breaking that up this time. Thor can just flatten Eros and maybe the little god will get the idea; NOTHING is worth aligning yourself with that particular Celt. He turns and spots Zeus, who is in debate with Jupitor over which of them is actually the Father of the Gods. Feeling panicky, he looks for someone who makes sense and sees the rest of the Celts, playing dice--with loaded dice, of course--with the unsuspecting Apostles.
Shaking his head, he wanders over to where Freyr and Arawn are debating the merits of the different faery and elf tribes.
"But where did they get the idea that what Tolkienn wrote is actually what it is? I mean, he was just a man, not even divinely inspired," groused Freyr. "I like his books, but c'mon!"
"Hey, at least the Harry Potter stuff doesn't actually effect us," Arawn pointed out.
Bast sat on the floor, playing with the cats who pull Freya's chariot while Freya tried to get Set to push off and Horus to pay attention to her. Over in the corner near the fire, Frigga, Brigid and Athena discussed the various methods of scrying, while Dagda distracted Odin from his frustration by comparing the Ogham and the Runes. Sif and Aphrodite seemed ot be discussing the merits of different shampoos. Shiva and Kali were deep in discussion with the Valkyrie about skulls and bones. Loki and Coyote were laughing as a furious Ares tried to get out of the tangle the first two had made of the extra chain form the wolf Fenris' leash. Heimdall had known there would be trouble in letting Loki have the extra piece. The Sumerians were in the
corner, trying to convince a couple of Vikings that they should be served their wine, instead of getting it themselves, like everyone else. Idunn was watching, apples at her side, a battleaxe in her hands for when the time came. She never had liked that pushy Inanna.
Heimdall leaned against a wall and smiled as Mary mother of Jesus walked over with a horn. "Ale?" she asked in a light tone. He accepted it and sighed. "And they wonder why the people always fight and never
listen." He drank deeply and then handed it back. "Thank you. time to return to the Rainbow Bridge. Look, if you hear my horn, could you PLEASE make sure the others get out? I really don't want to fight next to Buddha, you know? I doubt his effectiveness at hand to hand combat."
She laughed. "Not a problem. However, I may leave the Celts here. They do so love to fight and they have no End Times, poor things. Plus they can possibly call forth Arthur and Cuchalain. Can't hurt to have Excaliber and Gae Bulga along for the fight, right?"
He considered it. "True. But I'm not sure I'd trust Arawn to actually care about what happens to humanity. Maybe you could sneak his ass out?"
She smiled. "I'll talk to Magdalene. I'm sure she can...persuade...him to follow her elsewhere. Especially if there is a bed wherever that is." She laughed and turned back as her son stepped in between the Vikings and the Sumerians. "Ahh, I see he is trying to bring peace again. When will he learn? The Europeans and the Middle Easterns just aren't overly compatible. Oh,what is this, Heimdall?"
He turned and watched as the four branches of Celtic lands flew at the Sumerians, yelling in fury and scattering them. Marduk arrived next to them, panting. "Are those people insane? And what are these little things flying against my face?"
"Faeries", said Heimdall. "The Celts don't always win, but they don't lose either, simply because they never give up and never admit anyone else won. Faeries are simply one of those things you'll be plagued with until you give in to them."
"Never!" Marduk swore. "How bad can these things be?"
"Ask me that when you're milk has gone sour, your wine is vinegar, you can't find your swords and bows and arrows and all your people are in some strange dream state dancing near stones instead of serving you," the Defender of Bifrost replied.
Jehovah wandered over and caught a faery in his hand. "These things are worse then a plague of frogs, Marduk. They multiply faster then rabbits, they NEVER do as they're told, and they truly enjoy mischief. I would never plague anyone with them, but then again, I'm more civilized then the Celts." He lets loose the faery, which pulls his beard and hies off, and groans. "How many branches do I have in standard Judaism?"
"If you can't keep track, what makes you think we can?" asked Marduk peevishly. He watches as Moses approaches. "You could always throw him back into the wilderness."
Mohammed walks over, sure Moses is there to complain about the Palestinians, as usual. The Jewish prophet opens his mouth, but is immediately drowned out by the sound of Thor flattening Eros and the Norse yelling in triumph. He turns around and sneers at the mighty God of Thunder, not noticing the beseeching look Jehovah throws at Odin. The AllFather walks over and picks up Moses in one hand. "What's this? Did we not agree that followers were not allowed to come begging unless it was an emergency? What do you here, bushtalker?"
Moses squirms, then protests "There are Viking here!"
"Yes," Jehovah agrees. "And all they've asked for is more beer. They aren't trying to bring complaints. Is this an emergency, Moses?"
"The Palestinians attack Isreal!" Moses bellowed.
"And the Isrealis attack the Palestinians," Mohammed assures him. "So it has been for decades. What has changed?"
"Did they attack this time with cream filled pastries?" asks Loki. "Hey, it would be different--and possibly against Mosaic law, even," to Odin's thunderous look. Osiris joins the group and steps on Loki's foot in the process.
"Ooops. I'm sorry. Damn, and I'm wearing the high heeled sandals. Have Isis take a look at that, there you go, you demon from the pits of hell," as Loki limps off. "Now, what's up?"
"I should have let you keep them," grouses Jehovah.
"Hey, you were the one who wanted to expand," Osiris pointed out. "'I want one tribe, all mine. And in time I will also gather your's and the others'. And then I shall be the One God.' We warned you, Ankhenaten tried it and it was a headache. But did you listen? No. We told you, they all start branching off and fighting and then the people return to us ancient ones for the sake of simplicity, but did you listen? No. Sorry, you made the bed, you lie in it." He moves off shaking his head, as Jehovah mutters curses after him.

"That won't work. Trust me, he's hard to actually destroy." Set hands Jehovah a tankard. "Look, just let them fight it out. You're not going to get them to stop, so just sit back and enjoy the show."

"One kills someone, then the dead's family swears vengeance, and they kill someone else, and then that family swears vengeance. It's never ending. What kind of God allows that to continue?" Jehovah throws his hands up, then freezes as he remembers who's hall he is in. "Er..."

"No, it's alright," Odin assures him. "Different ways for different folks. You are more about mercy and obeying. No harm done, no insult taken. So you have a weaker view, in our opinion. I'm sure our's is barbaric in your view. Remember, once, you shared our view. Who, after all, ordered the wiping out of a whole nation?"

"I did. Then I grew up." Jehovah groans as he realizes he's done it again. "Odin, I did not mean to imply..."

"Again, no offense taken. After all, we're all Gods here and I know the pressures, I surely do. But how about we get your mouth working on some meat before you put your foot in it again and Thor hears you?" Putting his arm around the Lord of Hosts, the AllFather leads him off to one of the tables.

Freyr joins in time to hear the last of it and raises an eyebrow. "Jehovah in his cups again?"

"It's all those branches. It's driving him nuts. Personally, I'd just order the whole Rapture thing and drag out the deadwood, myself." Set nods to himself. "What can it hurt?"

"Don't we have an agreement that Ragnorak and the Rapture and Tribulation will all happen at the same time?

Don't know about you, pal, but I'm really not in a hurry to die, although I do miss Baldur. But still, I don't have a Valhalla to go to, you know?" Freyr watched as his sister roped in Eros with her looks and charm as Morrigan moved on to find another champion. "Why is she playing with the squirt?"
"He has some amber." Tyr handed Set a horn and looked at the King of Elves. "You know how she gets with amber. Don't worry, she'll leave him frustrated as usual. She's used to men...and he makes a dwarf look like one."
Athena joined them at this moment, dragging along one of the Apostles. "Hey, folks, this is Paul. He has visions in Damascus or something."
"Only in Damascus? Man, you need to learn some control. Ask Odin nicely, he might give you some mead and you can have visiosn everywhere," Tyr advised.
"I had a vision of our Lord on the way to Damascus and was converted to the One True Religion." Paul explains. "Would you like to know more about our Lord and how he can make your life complete?"
The Gods look at him balefully. Tyr fingers his sword as Freyr idly picks up a handy spear. Heimdall shakes his head, and looks for Jesus, who sees what's up and hurries over.
"Paul, these people already know me. It's ok. Why don't you go talk to Peter and John?" He begins to turn the Apostle with an arm around his shoulders, when Paul puts his foot in it.
"My Lord, these people are pagans! They shall burn in Hell forever!"
"Did someone call me?" Hel fixes her pretty eye on Paul, then the ugly one. "No, you said burn, didn't you? My place is cold...SATAN!!!! Paul seems to be calling you!"
Paul moves behind his Lord as Satan approaches curiosuly. Jesus sighs. "He was simply saying the pagans are going to Hell, Satan. No big deal. Ignore him."
"He told Pagan Gods they are coming to my place? Why, is that where we're meeting next time? Dammit, Jesus, I thought we agreed I'd be told before Gods visited again, especially the Egyptians, Celts and Norse!!! You KNOW how they always throw everything off, and they have just no sense of slow torture...that Thor just pulls people's lungs out and leaves them all over the place! They get it so cluttered!" He groaned. "And the Celts! I swear, I've never met people so enamored of the human head!!! It takes months to get them to return them and meanwhile I've got headless dead people wandering around and bumping into things! And the Egyptians!!! My people are already dead! Why do they keep trying to mummify them? And the damned cats!!! I have cats everywhere for weeks, tripping up my demons..." He stutters off as Jesus shakes his head and pats his shoulder.
"No, Satan, I promised you we wouldn't meet in your Hell without at least four months warning and that I would supply angels to help clean up, and I shall. You know I never break my word. Paul was simply trying to witness to the others."
"To Gods?!?! Jesus, if I was you, I'd worry more about this man's intelligence, I really would."

Copyright 2005 Nanette Edwards, used with permission

Home - Workshops - Training - Calendar of Events - Links - Books